human bits

Today I was all humany.

Today my human bits were showing.

Today I was reminded just how human I am.

Today was spent in fear.

I wasn’t ok with this. I loathed myself for not being able to move. I spun in circles in my room ‘stuck’… which only made me more frustrated.

Meditation was out, it only made me aware that I was still in my room.

Facebook, twitter ..emails.. they distracted, but there it was as soon as I turned away from the computer.. a great big grinning mocking glob of ‘fear’.

Around 2pm I finally let it climb on my back and we left the house. Once we were out of the house I did what I thought I was supposed to do..the things on my to do list. With each stop he just got bigger and heavier.

Real panic was beginning to set in. So I did what the little post-it says on my door, “I made the call” and talked to a friend, then tried work again. HA!

As I wiggled in my seat, trying to focus and avoid 'fear's' steely gaze, I got a phone call, ”you wanna come for dinner? We have an extra roast chicken.” ok, so I had only worked for an hour and a half. So what! I certainly wasn’t productive and I deeply needed to be with friends.

Fear and I walked thru the door and went straight to work…

We talked about how bad it was.. why I should not be feeling this way… old patterns… going to fail… blah blah BLAH!

Now I don’t just have great friends… I have the best friends ever! They reminded me that fear is the emotion associated with winter. That fear is the first emotion an infant feels before birth. It gives the baby the energy to withstand the push thru the birth canal. Fear is the precursor to anger and anger will give way to growth… it is the push needed for life to come to the surface.

I blinked, let out a sigh and tried a new approach…instead of trying to bully it out of the room (which only made it bigger) I gave fear a hug. Thanked it for being with me and asked it what it wanted me to know. I listened and then let it know that I understood. I heard him….

He’s not gone mind you.. he still sitting in the corner of my room, but he has a blankie and a pillow and for the moment is content and I can go about doing what I need to do.

I have no doubt he will leave. I have no doubt that he will be back. I have no doubt that I can handle it. I have no doubt I am human.

p.s. {yes'm that is me in the photo...it seemed to fit with where I ended up at the end of the day...giving fear a knowing glance. photo credit goes out to my dear friend kelly thank you love!}