standing up

let's face it, we can be ridiculously hard on ourselves. we hold ourselves to standards to which we would never in a million years expect anyone else to live up to. I for one am exceedingly good at this.. top o'the class. And winter {in portland} does NOT help. trapped alone with my own musings and mutterings i can convince myself that not only should i never leave the house again, but that EVERYthing i am doing is wrong. it's quite a delight.

to add to this, i don't always recognize 'attila the judgemental' creeping in until she is standing 20 ft tall and carrying a very big stick, very spiky stick.

she has grown out of control, but *gulp* i needed to have a word with her.. you know.. in private.

my heart beats a zillion beats per min...breathe.. you can do this. i stand to her left and say, 'so yeah, about all this *sh*t you've been saying about me? i wanted to tell you, you are wrong. you have no idea how awesome i am. i am doing exactly what I need to be doing and in the perfect time for me. so back off chick!'

.... *blink* blink, i wait for it. for the club to fall. but she makes no move. where is my beratement, the onslaught of shoulds? Come on now, i'm ready for it, do your worst.

but she remains silent, looking befuddled and meek. Was that it? Really? All I needed to do was say, 'STOP that!'

I'm in shock as the tiny spark of lightness + joy expands...

How often do we jump to our own aid... how often do we stand on our side and stick by ourselves in our defense no matter what? I would hazard a guess and say not often enough. Not nearly often enough.

So i cheer for you....as I cheer for me. You can do it! You are brilliant. In whatever you are doing you are right and good because it is right and perfect for YOU.

It is not always easy. but it is ALL WAYS worth it.

much love. light. joy. I wish for you.